Timeless · Visions

I've been worse than usual with keeping up to date. Work, and family-related stress, seems to be eating more time than I have. But I try to get out and have a life... occasionally. Well, I certainly hope to do some serious partying soon anyway, for my best friend from South Africa is arriving in just a little over a week and I will need to show him a good time. If anyone has any suggestions of good gigs or events happening in the last couple of weeks of July I'd love to hear them!

Despite everything I did manage to have a lovely weekend though. I got to see lots of people at Inferno on Friday (and I'm very sorry to those who I didn't get to say goodbye to - I left when a Sisters' song was playing so all you old-school Goths were obviously on the floor ;p ) More importantly, on Saturday night I went to the much anticipated Fairytale Masquerade Ball, which was opened with a lecture by one of my academic idols - Professor Marina Warner. There was too much awesome on the night to put down on this tiny little journal, but I have a picture which sums up a little bit of the fun. I don't really need another prince, but sometimes you just can't resist trying.

This is usually the point where I whip out some fairy tale pictures, but I like to bring some variety to my posting so this time I’m stepping back to Gothic literature for a second to show a set I did a few months ago – the petulant and passionate Fuchsia Groan from Mervyn Peake’s 'Titus Groan' and 'Gormenghast'. I’ve always had an affinity with Fuchsia, but not because of her long, wild black hair, sullen mouth or smouldering eyes – or even her flaming red dress. Fuchsia is the epitome of the hopeless dreamer and romantic who escapes a life that she finds unfulfilling by burying herself in fantasy tales, but even this isn’t the reason I love her. I've always been drawn to her because despite her tempestuous and often childish nature, she is a free spirit who is slowly broken by disappointment and disillusionment, and I think that most people can empathise with that. Her increasing reliance on fantasy eventually leads to a tragic and entirely ridiculous death, and in this the character is so very real because life is a mixture of beauty and the absurd. It is important to remember that the 'fairytale life' is essentially unattainable, and that is why I love Fuchsia Groan. Her reliance on fantasy, and the damage that it does, is something I see in so many people - not least of all myself.

So I leave with a quote - not from the book as one might expect, but rather from Robert Smith, who wrote the Cure song ‘The Drowning Man’ about Fuchsia. For those who want to be reminded of the beautiful lyrics to the song, they can be found here on my website.

"Fuchsia was my dream. This idea of the infinite, of the unreal, of the innocence dying." — Robert Smith 2003

Photography: James Reynard
( Shades of Fuchsia )

This would be a longer post if I felt more up to it, but I’m afraid that I had far too much of the excellent champagne which was flowing rather freely at nisaba and willmate’s wedding last night. There are few celebrations that require more, well, celebration than a wedding, especially when the two people in question are so thoroughly wonderful and deserving of happiness. Marriage is not for everyone – I certainly doubt that it is something that I could ever want for myself - but for the right people it is a day of profound joy and it is a blessing for any friend to witness it. My camera was being rubbish and no doubt there will be many pictures being posted around which are far better than any I could take anyway, but I’ll post my favourite here nonetheless because it really shows just how delightfully happy it was for all.

As everyone knows, I tend to celebrate things with pictures, and to mark this most wonderful story I’m going to post some fairy tale efforts of my own. Also, since I’m unlikely to ever get married, I have to find other ways to wear the ‘big dress’, and I guess photoshoots are the one way that this particular Cinderella gets to be a princess for the day ;)

Seriously though, Peta and Will’s relationship has been a fairytale romance from the start and the wedding was no different, just as I’m sure their future life together will be no different. It has been my honour, and my pleasure, to know and love them both over the years. So once again I congratulate the happy couple - may you live happily for the rest of your days, and may we all be there to see you go from strength to strength.

Photography: Cinderella in rags - Admirion
Cinderella in finery - Phil Bourne




( Her godmother then touched her with her wand, and, at the same instant, her clothes turned into cloth of gold and silver, all beset with jewels )

It occurs to me that I rarely write anything on my day-to-day life in this journal and that's a real shame because my life is usually pretty good, and even more usually involves wonderful people who should share in the joy of having embarrassing pictures of themselves posted ;) This past week has been one of much celebration and therefore really deserves a bit of a mention, but since it would take a lot of words to describe it I think it would be best if I give my 'update' in picture form. So for those who were involved in all the fun, here are some highlights from nisaba's hen night, sinbadsilk's birthday party, and drinks at the Big Red pre Inferno.


( My week in pictures )
As those who were there will testify, it was a pretty wild week. I'm usually the first to complain that I'm getting far too old to stay up as late as I do, or to go out clubbing quite so much, but despite my protestations I really do love the life I lead and the people who I share my time with. I've always had the freedom to wear what I want, go out with who I want, and be wherever I want to be, and I'm extremely grateful for this because I know that some people don't have it nearly as easy. The person I most owe it all to is, of course, my mother. As most people know, she died when I was 17 years old, but throughout the years before that she wholeheartedly supported my lifestyle choices and I really owe much of life now to the help she gave me. One of my favourite examples of this is when, after seeing the film 'Beetlejuice' for the first time when I was 15, I fell so in love with the red wedding dress that Lydia wears in the penultimate scenes that she secretly made one for me. I think that many a mother would be unimpressed with the idea of their 15 year old daughter going anywhere in a red wedding dress, nevermind to a Goth club in the seediest part of the city. But she loved everything about the scene and always let me be myself. The dress still fits me after all these years, and for a long time I've wanted to do some pictures to celebrate those early influences that set me upon the path, so to speak - not the least of which was my mother. I usually reflect literature or art in my work, so I think that for one I can do a film post. So here's to all the women, both fictional and real, who have been heroines for me throughout my life. And I hope you all appreciate these pictures because it was a very difficult shoot to do - there was another model with me who kept hogging the camera ;)







Photography: James Reynard
( Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse! )

This was just going to be a simple post wishing a safe and pleasant journey to my friends who are going to WGT, but I think it might end up being a little more. I don't usually give much personal context to my photographic work, but perhaps it's important to do so every now and then, for events in life heavily influence artistic work and maybe the pictures will mean more when the reasons behind them become clear.

Over the last couple of years many friends I thought were long lost have been found through various social networking sites, and strange as it may sound this has made a real difference to my life. This is no surprise, for my early years sit strangely in my memory - they are close enough to touch, but seem always to be just slightly out of focus. And they haunt me - not because they're traumatic, but because my way of perceiving the world now has changed more than my ability to reconcile it with the way it was in the past. However, in speaking to these friends, I have found some measure of contentment. Each story has been like a little jigsaw piece falling into place in the puzzle of my childhood, and slowly the ghostly realm of feelings and fragmented thoughts which has shaped everything I am, but which nonetheless remains so elusive to me, becomes ever so slightly clearer. At the same time, I am also haunted by events of my adult life - people I've loved and lost, and choices I wish I had never made. Sometimes life seems more full of regret than possibility, and I think that perhaps I had begun to feel like my life was being defined by my past, rather than by the potential for my future.

This was very much on my mind when I made my usual Easter trip up North. I knew that in order for me to get to grips with my own ghosts I had to find a way to express them creatively first, and that meant that I needed to finally shoot Catherine Earnshaw. She had been waiting for a long time, but I always wait until the time and place is right. So while I would usually shoot at the sea, this time I ended up on the moors, for these pictures could be done nowhere else. The characters of Cathy and Heathcliff are taken from the very landscape itself - its wild untamed beauty, and its relentless hardness. I wanted the two sets to represent Cathy's life and death respectively, with the first being her searching the moors for Heathcliff after he leaves her, and the second being her journey through death back to Wuthering Heights to claim his soul. It was an emotional theme to do, but walking in that magical landscape and carrying the words with me in my mind allowed me to tell the story in the way I had first envisioned it when I was a child. And I like to think that the restless spirit of that bleak and beautiful landscape heard me, for various things have fallen into place in my personal life since that trip that have made me realise that I have the choice to lay some of my ghosts to rest, and with them the character of Cathy - who I feel I have finally been able to do justice to.

I am also honoured to have just found out that one of the pictures from this set is the cover of the photographer's gorgeous new book, 'Inamorata'. Several other pictures I've done with him are also included, which is really lovely. It may not seem like much but it means a great deal to me, for while I have been in magazines and fashion catalogues, and all the many other bits that models do, it simply isn't why I started doing this. My love of literature and art drives me, and it is therefore the height of success for me to be part of a book on art. The measure of success is, after all, a highly individual thing. This is it for me, so I guess that today I have a great deal to be content about, and very little except happiness to haunt me in my dreams tonight.

( Some of the pictures inside the book, for anyone interested )


"We've braved its ghosts often together, and dared each other to stand among the graves and ask them to come. But, Heathcliff, if I dare you now, will you venture? If you do, I'll keep you. I'll not lie there by myself: they may bury me twelve feet deep, and throw the church down over me, but I won't rest till you are with me. I never will!"

Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights




Photography: Admirion
( Wuthering Heights )

It's been a very long time since I last posted, but with preparing for Whitby, going to Whitby, and recuperating from Whitby, a lot of time seems to have passed. I could write a full report on WGW, but it really just boils down to lots of Goths getting very dressed up and very drunk by the seaside in what had to be the most glorious sunshine I've ever experienced 'up North'. The most important news to come out of it was obviously the engagement (finally!) of davefish and keris - congratulations to you both again. It was a wonderful break, but there were some notable things missing from it - most importantly wyte_phantom, who was at a European Martial Arts weekend instead. This meant that I couldn't thank her in person for the beautiful new outfit she made me. While I am always very grateful for everything she makes me, this ensemble means even more to me because Jen made it while she was meant to be resting a broken collar bone! After chiding her for her inability to relax and do nothing, I did of course immediately proceed to get some pictures done for her before going to Whitby. I'm very behind in my picture posting, but since the corset in question is actually the first of two 'seasonal' corsets, and since we're still enjoying some rather lovely weather, it seems fitting to start catching up with my posting with this set because the pictures have managed to capture the vivid and romantic beauty of Spring. Hopefully all this wonderful weather will stick around, and eventually blossom into a scorching summer. Having already attended my first picnic of the year thanks to naturalbornkaos, I'm really rather hoping that I get to throw a summer celebration of my own soon.

Lo! Spring, array'd in primrose-colour'd robe,
Fresh beauties sheds on each enliven'd scene,
With show'rs and sunshine cheers the smiling globe,
And mantles hill and vale in glowing green.

Joseph Warton, Ode to a Lady on the Spring (Excerpt)

Photography: Phil Bourne
Black & Silver Chinese Cherry Blossom Silk Brocade Corset with matching skirt and black lace gauntlets all by wyte_phantom
( Blossoming )

It's hard to believe it's already April, but it's harder still to believe that it's already Easter. It's always been one of my favourite holidays - my childhood was always filled with massive egg hunts and feasts - so I very much wanted to do some pictures to celebrate it. Now I'm hardly the type to do a religious re-enactment, so I decided to stick to my beloved fairy tales and do the wicked witch from Hansel and Gretel. It is the perfect story for it - at a time where we all eat as much chocolate as possible, it seems only fitting to indulge in a tale of how candy is used to lure people to horrific death. Additionally, I've been working with a young designer whose name fits the bill rather well, and she just gave me some lovely things made from fabric with a 'candy stripe' pattern on it, so I guess we'll just have to put this one down to fate. So I leave you all with some tasty pictures, but more importantly I leave you with my sincerest hope that you'll all have a wonderful Easter break. As we fall once again under the sweet spell of this most delicious of holidays, let me be the first to wish you an endless amount of eggs and bunnies, along with every other temptation that you should know better than to indulge in ;)

Happy Easter everyone!



( Oh, you dear children, who has brought you here? Do come in, and stay with me. No harm shall befall you... )

I've honestly not been on lj for weeks, and many important changes in my life mean that I am currently unable to be online much, but today is a special day and I had to make an exception. Today was the one year anniversary of my father's death. And, in that special breed of irony that the universe seems to reserve for me, it was also the day I graduated. I would be lying if I said that it wasn't difficult to go through it without him there - it hurt to see the many proud parents taking pictures of their children (though I admit it was sometimes amusing too - especially in the case of the mother who, armed with a camcorder, was focusing so intently on recording every step her son took that she followed him into the gent's toilets without noticing.)

It is a sadness mixed with pride though, for this MA was difficult to get precisely due to my father's death, and the fact that I managed to make it through means a lot because I know that's what he would have wanted. So in the spirit of the happiness such days bring, I share with you all a picture of me in my extremely unflattering robes. Try not to all die from laughter immediately...

I won't leave you with just that though - it wouldn't be fair to traumatise you all without also providing something to bring a little glamour back to this journal. Moving away from mortar boards and onto far better looking hats, these pictures were taken at Madame Zingara's before it closed. Everyone dreams of running away with the circus, and I will always be truly grateful that I had an opportunity to do exactly that, even though it was only for a brief period of time. I reckon that pictures of me suspended in mid-air on the trapeze are just about as silly as pictures of me in academic robes, so consider this a two for one special. I hope that I can raise a smile on everyone's face today, for while life may often be cruel it's also often full of wonder, and at the end of the day there are many reasons to celebrate.

Photography: Polstar Photography
( Nights at the Circus )

This is really just a quick post to thank everyone for the lovely birthday wishes, cards, gifts etc. You all made the day very special for me, and I can say with all honesty that I have never felt so loved (or so spoilt!) Thank you also to everyone who came to my extremely surreal birthday celebrations. I never expected it all to go so David Lynch on me, but in retrospect drunken punk dwarves coming out of big white boxes is just always going to be funny as hell. It was a strange and fabulous night – which I doubt will ever be equalled or topped – and I’m very grateful to all who shared it with me. I wanted a fairy tale birthday, and I realise now that I got exactly that – and all the magic and strangeness that goes with it. There is always a dark and a light side to everything, and my birthday was no different. Nor will any other birthday be different. Getting older will always be a little frightening, but with such friends by my side I know that every birthday will be wonderful nonetheless.


'Thereupon she went into a quite secret, lonely room, where no one ever came, and there she made a very poisonous apple. Outside it looked pretty, white with a red cheek, so that everyone who saw it longed for it, but whoever ate a piece of it must surely die.'

Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm, Little Snow White



Photography: Like a Dream
( Poisonous Pleasure )

Isn't it amazing how often birthdays happen? I can remember my last birthday so clearly that it really does feel like it happened yesterday, yet at the same time so much has happened in the last year that it seems a lifetime away. The girl I was then is certainly very different from the girl I am now, and it does sometimes amaze me just how much my life has changed. We all go through this once a year though, so I'm not going to contemplate the burden of bearing a bigger number. Aging is really just another way of saying that we're living and experiencing new things, so instead of complaining about what it feels like to be older I'm just going to take a moment to celebrate how awesome it can be. I often use pictures in place of words, and this entry is going to be no different because there are some experiences which words just cannot describe. Many bad things have happened since my last birthday, but there were some good things too and as I've said before the highlight of these was undoubtedly meeting my idol Tanith Lee and her husband John Kaiine. I was so happy to spend a little time with them that I didn't think it could get any better, so it was a surprise - and an honour beyond measure - when John asked me to work with him on several images based around mythological themes. I was already a huge fan of John's art before I met him - he is an incredibly gifted artist as well as a phenomenal writer, and his work has graced the cover of many a book I've read. In all the time I have modelled I have never worked with an artist of such renown, so these images really are a culmination of everything I ever hoped to achieve. I am posting them today because birthdays are a special day, and they should be filled with special things. This is the most wonderful thing I did in the last year, and I'm remembering it on this day in the hope that there will be many more such experiences by the time the next birthday rolls around.




'Nyx'

Artist: John Kaiine
( A Legendary Tale )

In South Africa, my birthday falls in late summer. Beautiful sun-drenched days where the shadows are long and the light has the strange shifting quality of a half-remembered dream. Here, however, it falls in the coldest month of the year. And it always snows.

Initially this really irritated me, for as you all know I've always hated snow. Well, I don’t exactly hate snow itself, but I do hate the chaos it causes in the city. Pretty scenery just doesn’t make up for transport misery, or falling all over the place on the evil ice that compacted snow becomes, or - most importantly - disruptions to my birthday plans! However, I am proud to say that my feelings on the matter have now somewhat changed. For the last two days we've had the heaviest snowfall in nearly twenty years and I have not only breezed through it without injury or inconvenience, but I have actually rather liked it. Yes, you heard that right. I would have posted yesterday, but I’ve actually been having too much fun with the snow, and it's just...unprecedented. Equally unexpected is the fact that I have not slipped even once - not once! I admit that this new-found 'snow can be fun' feeling might have something to do with a certain Canadian best friend who loves all things cold and who forced me out of the house for a snowball fight, or it might even have something to do with my rather unsuccessful attempts at crafting a snow gothman, but whatever it is I am grateful because the last couple of days have been lovely, and I think I might be getting used to the fact that if it does snow on my birthday the world might not completely end. That is, of course, provided you're all willing to come see me even if it does mean travelling through the snow and ice (and maybe even dragons) to get to me. Come on, you know I'm worth it ;)

In equally excellent news, my best friend in South Africa has just confirmed that he’s coming over to stay with me in July, so I’m understandably very excited about this. Paul is like a brother to me, and despite the many miles that separate us we’ve always maintained a close friendship. I really don’t get to see him all that often, and I do love him very deeply, so it means the world to me that we’ll have some time together soon.

And in keeping with the theme of snow, I have some pictures which fit in with it all rather well, if I do say so myself. In a recent post I mentioned that at the end of last year I did a series of shoots where I revisited some themes I'd already covered. There were a number of stories which I felt needed a bit more done with them, and these pictures come from the second of these shoots and focused on two fairy tales which I had done a very long time ago but which just felt incomplete. Sometimes there is a wrong and a right time to do certain things, and I've realised and accepted that this is true for shoots too and that things can work out better the second time round, especially when you apply the lessons learnt from previous experience. There was a right time to revisit these pictures, and with the snow still thick on the ground outside I guess this is the right time to post them.

The flake of snow grew larger and larger; and at last it was like a young lady, dressed in the finest white gauze, made of a million little flakes like stars. She was so beautiful and delicate, but she was of ice, of dazzling, sparkling ice; yet she lived; her eyes gazed fixedly, like two stars; but there was neither quiet nor repose in them.

Hans Christian Andersen, The Snow Queen



Photography: Like a Dream
( Now you will have no more kisses, or else I should kiss you to death! )

Following my last post, things are still going very well. I realise that for the last year I've been hiding away in an attempt to shield myself from pain - grief has a way of seeping into everything until you stop actually 'living'. I know it's a natural process, and that it had to happen, but to my shame I think I've spent more time on the computer over the last few months than I have with actual people. And that is just no way to live a life. I've always felt that the most important part of living is spending time with the people you love, and going out and experiencing new things. Now, at long last, I'm getting back to that. I feel like I'm finally starting to enjoy life again, and I'm absolutely overjoyed that it's still possible for me to be that way.

Catching up on everything I've missed is going to take some time though, but I think I'm off to a good start. I also have a cunning plan to gather most of my friends in one place at one time so that I can make a good stab at catching up with everyone at the same time. I am, of course, referring to my birthday, which is now exactly a month away. It's generally been my habit to organise a restaurant meal, so this post is my first attempt at getting the ball rolling for that. This year my birthday falls on a Friday, but since I'm currently working Tuesday-Saturday evenings the dinner will have to be on a Sunday evening. So Sunday the 22nd of February would be the most sensible date - can you all make that date, or could you please tell me what else is happening then that may cause me to shift it? (it had better be something pretty special though to compete with my dinner ;)

And in the spirit of catching up, I'm finally posting some pictures from the infamous 'Perch Shoot' which gothindulgence organised back at the end of October last year. These shots were taken for the lovely madame_queeny, and owe a lot to the useful advice that rosenkavalier gave me concerning period dress (and an extra special thank you to artnoveauho who helped me shop for the wig.) I worked with different people throughout the day, so this is a good opportunity to present a set of pictures which, although all focused on the same theme, showcase the varying styles of several different photographers.

Photography: Various
Hat by Queen of Hearts



Photo by marchosias444
( Another Place and Time )

So another one bites the dust, and I could not have been happier to see it go. A terrible year came to an end with a heartbreaking Christmas, and despite the efforts of many dear people nothing could console me or fill my emptiness when I woke up on Christmas morning with the realisation that I could not call either of my parents to tell them how much I loved them. On a day which is all about family, being an orphan is a horrible thing to be. So yes, the year is over, but the pain and desolation it has left will never go away. All I can do is reassure myself that nothing can make this year any worse, and therefore it can only be better. Indeed, I readily admit that it is off to a very good start – I’m surrounded by friends, cats and lots of new clothes (not to mention sore feet - damn the January sales.) I am in possession of a shining new MA, and most delightfully a shining new job which is by far the best job I have ever had. I’m sure everyone has seen these flyers and posters popping up everywhere, and know of the fantastic new theatre/restaurant/circus tent which is now camped in front of Battersea Power Station – well, I’m working there as a theatre hostess/character and I’m loving every single second of it. I do many things, but my main duties entail dressing as Marie Antoinette to offer people strawberries and cream, and dressing as a geisha to disrobe the awesome Mongolian contortionist on stage. As jobs go, it just doesn’t actually get much better.

I know that 2008 was a very bad year for most – I think I know perhaps two people who claim that it was good for them, but the general consensus is that it really won’t be missed. It’s too early for me to even begin to hope that what lies ahead will be a brighter path for us all, but the light is looking pretty promising for me right now and I hope with all my heart that it is looking good for you all as well. If I didn’t get to see you on NYE to wish you happiness, then let me do so now – may it be the best one yet for us all.

Along with wishes for a prosperous new year, I believe it is also traditional to reflect upon the past at such a time, and with that in mind I dedicated my last few shoots to the purpose of revisiting themes which I felt I had not done justice to. There have been a couple of stories which I have tried to shoot in the past, but which (due to factors I had no control over) never worked out quite as I felt they should. The first theme I revisited was that of Dracula – I have shot all the main female characters in the story including Mina and the Vampire Brides, but I never quite managed to nail Lucy. She was always going to be the most difficult because I very much wanted to reference the ‘Storm’ sequence in Francis Ford Coppola’s 'Bram Stoker’s Dracula', and it would therefore require a great deal of planning to make it look similar enough to the film to be easily recognisable. So after much preparation I tried to shoot her at Whitby Abbey, only to be screwed over by the winds. It was always my plan to redo her, and finally I have managed. I may not be able to find much closure on a personal level, but at least I can do it with my work.

Photography: Admirion
Everything else by me

( The Summoning )

For me, friendship and dancing often go hand in hand, and this week seems to epitomise that bond. From the good friend who came for enchiladas and (even more cheesy) films all about dancing, to the many friends at Vagabonds last weekend, and at Inferno on Friday, who danced beside me all night long. And thus I come to the point of this little story, for at the end of the night I realised that the next Inferno falls in January, and that the next Vagabonds would be on NYE itself. Until that moment I hadn't actually thought about just how close the end is, and it shocks me to realise that it will really all be over so very soon. It is no secret that I have been looking forward to kissing 2008 goodbye, but as I walked to the nighbus I realised, for the first time, that I actually have more to celebrate than just the beginning of something which will hopefully be better. The last few months have taught me the value of good friends, and - even more importantly - have shown me that I have some of the best friends that anyone could wish for. If there is anything that I should be drinking to as the clock strikes midnight on the 31st, it is that the hard times have not dragged me into darkness, but have instead shown me the light of real love and friendship. So I hope that many of you will be by my side, because I would not have made it through these difficult months without you all. So, cue the inevitable question:

Poll #1311333 NYE
This poll is closed.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All

Vagabonds on NYE?

The images below could not be better suited to this week, for they are a dedication to three of the dear friends that have helped me through this year. Most of the pictures are for wyte_phantom, who made the beautiful corset, and artnoveauho, who helped me with the lovely green overskirt - though I know that I could never really repay your kindness, these pictures are my way of saying that you are always in my thoughts - thank you so much for always being there for me.

The first picture, however, is for childeric, who always makes me see the silly side of life no matter how serious things get, and who always keeps me company on the dancefloor during songs that no one else would ever dare dance to. You challenged me to do Salome, and I gave you my word that I will do a series of images for it. This is the first, and you will have to be content with it until I figure out how to manage the impossible Moreau!

To all the other amazing people in my life - I hope that you all know how much your love and support has meant to me. It will be to you that I raise my glass on NYE.

Dance for me, Salome, I beseech thee. If thou dancest for me thou mayest ask of me what thou wilt, and I will give it thee. Yes, dance for me, Salome, and whatsoever thou shalt ask of me I will give it thee, even unto the half of my kingdom.

Oscar Wilde, Salome



Photography: Admirion
Location: A lounge
Clothing: wyte_phantom and artnoveauho

( The last veil has fallen, but I'll never stop dancing )

These immortal words of Pablo Picasso hold a special place in my heart. They were written on the wall of one of the painting studios in the National School for the Arts in Johannesburg, where, as a teenager, I received my training. Many were the times when, putting down my brushes and pallet, I would catch sight of them at the corner of my eye, and I have always marveled at their truth. Art, along with literature, has always been the most important thing in my life - it feeds me, and gives me purpose. It makes the world - and my life - more beautiful. It lights the way when the path goes dark.

So I'm going to take a moment to write about art. I believe that everyone reading this is equally passionate about this subject, and will indulge me in this. All who know me understand that the 'modelling' that I do is not just a case of me standing around getting my picture taken. It can sometimes be confusing because a model is most often thought of as someone who helps a photographer facilitate his or her own work, and I do indeed do this if someone needs me and I can help them. However, most of what I do is my own work, and therefore the shoots are collaborations between two artists, not a case of a model working for a photographer. My modelling is an extension of my art, for art is a reflection of the artist themselves, and I realised a long time ago that the next step from painting your ideas and dreams onto canvas is to re-create yourself entirely within the work. Photography allows this more easily than any other medium, and my modelling is therefore my way of showing myself completely in my art - visually, as well as symbolically. The art and literature-based pictures which I post are constructed as carefully and as lovingly as any of my paintings - I plan every aspect of them, down to the smallest detail, and I research the themes for weeks before each shoot. I put as much work into these pictures as I do into my own paintings, and the photographers that work with me are, like me, artists dedicated to the purpose of creating beautiful work which will inspire and entertain others.

The reason I'm writing all this now is because I've just received a picture that I've been waiting a long time for, and it has reminded me of why I started all of this. Over two years ago I had a conversation with a friend of mine who is a wonderful digital artist. I told him about an idea that I had - as a homage to their timeless beauty, I wanted to create personal versions of my three favourite paintings. I told him that I wanted to re-create them in a modern medium (photography) to make them relevant to this day and age, but that I wanted to keep all the qualities that make paintings so beautiful, and he and I set out to do just that. The first two pictures, inspired by von Stuck's Sin and Waterhouse's The Crystal Ball, were done quickly and became the central images around which my website is based. However, just after their completion Jason and his wife Cathy had a baby, and he just didn't have the time to complete the final image, which was to be based on Fuseli's The Nightmare. However, now that their son is a little older, Jason has a little more time and has at last managed to put the final touches on the image - much to my delight!

Below is the final part of the project that started everything, and I am just elated, for I have always felt its lack - it has always been the missing piece that haunts all that I do. Now, for the first time, I feel that I can look back at all that I have accomplished over the last couple of years and truly be proud of what I've done. So much hard work has gone into my pictures and my beloved site, and while I don't think it will ever feel complete, it does now feel whole. So in this post I'm putting all three images together for the first time, along with the original paintings which inspired them, so that they can - at last - be seen together. These paintings have always inspired me, and helped me through many a dark time, and this is my way of acknowledging the profound effect that they have had on my life.

Photography & manipulation by the gifted and wonderful Jason Juta

( The Three Muses )

It occurs to me that it is becoming quite wintry. I know this because I deal with cold very badly, and deep down in my very core I can feel it - that slow creeping cold seeping slowly into my blood. Yet there is something else down there too, and in all honesty it frightens me more - I think that I might be growing accustomed to it. I have always seen the beauty in Winter, but I have always feared it too - for one who has grown up in a hot and sunny place like Africa, Winter is a strange thing indeed. So for over eight years I have suffered and shivered, yet now as I dig out my gloves and scarves, and take my heavy overcoats into the dry cleaners, I realise that some small part of me is actually rather looking forward to it. Unlike Longfellow, I doubt that it will ever 'cheer' me as such, but for the first time in all the years I've been here I'm looking at my thermal underwear with excitement rather than with dread, and the Christmas lights hanging up in the dark and chilly air seem quite a bit brighter than they ever have before. Now this is all rather alarming as far as I'm concerned, and since I think that it signals the beginning of some sort of madness I feel I must do something which I have not done before - I'm posting a poll to ascertain whether I'm really going insane, or whether this is all actually normal...

Poll #1299587 Winter Madness
This poll is closed.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All

Winter:

Thermal Underwear:

For the immigrants:

It also occurs to me that I have the perfect pictures for a dark and wintry day like today, and they certainly deal with the theme of madness. I have, like most, had a life-long love of Edgar Allan Poe's work. When I was 12 I acted in a school-production of the Tell-Tale Heart and ever since then I have been addicted. I have always paid particular attention to the vampiric brides which have haunted so many of his short stories, and while I have written on the subject I have only briefly touched upon it as an artistic theme in modelling - to date I have only one bride on my site. So armed with the collected works, and my beloved copy of Closed on Account of Rabies (thank you again, rosenkavalier), I recently sought to rectify this by doing a shoot which aimed to capture the nightmarish visions which drove Poe's protagonists to madness and despair. I therefore give you something dark to welcome in the Winter, accompanied by the last stanza from my favourite Poe poem (which coincidentally falls within the best of the bride short stories - Ligeia)

Out - out are the lights - out all!
And, over each quivering form,
The curtain, a funeral pall,
Comes down with the rush of a storm,
While the angels, all pallid and wan,
Uprising, unveiling, affirm
That the play is the tragedy, "Man",
And its hero the Conqueror Worm.

Edgar Allan Poe, The Conqueror Worm




Photography & Manipulation: Jamie Mahon
Location: Leeds
Everything else by me

( She came and departed as a shadow )

I wasn't planning on posting today, but today is the sort of day that should be posted on. I'm not American - have never even set foot in America - but like so many others across the world I have wept with joy today. I don't talk much about my personal life or my family, but today I'm making an exception. I was born and raised in South Africa, which as a country will always bear the terrible burden of a past defined by racial segregation. I was a young child when Apartheid ended, and I am happy to say that I grew up without that terrible shadow hanging over my head, but such problems do not disappear overnight. For many years my father had a relationship with a black woman, and he had two children with her - something which, even now, is socially unacceptable in my country. It broke my heart to see how so many of my father's friends - and even his siblings - ostracised him and treated him with contempt purely because he had fallen in love with someone who had a differently-coloured skin. To this day I am still embarrassed that people who I share blood with could be so close-minded and hateful, but I am also so very proud that most of my family have been brave enough to stand up for what is right, despite all the prejudice which permeates the South African air so thickly that it makes me sick. I am proud that my father followed his heart despite all the pressure to conform, and I am even prouder to be part of a family which is multi-cultural and racially diverse. Today I feel prouder than ever, and above all I feel hope. There have been days where I have seen such ugliness that I have doubted that we could ever truly embrace equality for all, but on a day like today I think that maybe, with time, we will finally get there.

Pictures are my way of describing how I feel, and today I am going to post a set which embraces not only cultural diversity, but which is also all about change. I have always been fascinated by different cultures and traditions and I try to reflect this in my work. A long time ago I explored my love of all things Oriental in a Geisha-inspired set celebrating Spring and Summer. A few weeks ago gothindulgence and I returned to the theme, this time to celebrate Autumn. This is a set about the changing of seasons, and today I sense that we have all witnessed such a change. Long may it last.

Spring
Bird song sweet
as the flowers

Beginning of Autumn
A Summer skin
I still carry

The winds of Autumn
Slowly the leaves wave
the season goodbye

A flash of lightning
the breeze steals
into my soul

John Tiong Chunghoo - Four Haiku
(Inspired by Matsuo Basho)



Photography by gothindulgence
MUA etc. by me
With thanks to wyte_phantom for the beautiful corset in the second set of pictures, and to suetekh for the wonderful kansashi

( A New Season )

...and it was lovely. I spent a lot of time with some very dear friends, ate at some wonderful restaurants, drank in the Elsinore a lot, and danced myself nearly to death at 80s night. It was very relaxing and very full of light and laughter - all of which I sorely needed. Thank you to everyone who contributed to a wonderful few days - I hope you all had as good a time as I did. Below are a few pictures from the first night at the spa (Friday). I'm afraid I only managed to take a few pictures before I got too drunk and forgot about my camera, but they hopefully convey how much fun everyone was having ;)





( Fun by the Seaside )

Tomorrow I set off for Whitby, and a week of much drinking and dancing by the side of that most beautiful and ancient sea. For those of you that will be joining in the festivities, I will no doubt see you in the Elsi (or will randomly run into you whilst walking around the town), but for now let me wish you all a safe and pleasant journey up. For those who are missing this one, I want to take this opportunity to wish you all a very delightful Halloween - may it be filled with many carved pumpkins and sweets and other wonderful things. For myself, I cannot wait to be walking those beaches again, for I love nothing more than the sea. I hope that every one of us finds the magic this season, wherever we are and whatever we're doing.

Happy Halloween!

The magic of the sea's own change
In depth and height,
From where the eternal order'd billows range
To unknown regions of sleep-weary night,
Fills, like a wonder-waking spell
Whispered by lips of some lone-murmuring shell,
Thy dreaming soul, Oithona.


John Le Gay Brereton, The Sea Maid (excerpt)




Photography by r_a_v_e_nsblood
Corset by wyte_phantom
Hair/MUA etc. by me

( A Sea Spell )

The last few weeks have been busy, but in a good way. I've been spending a lot of time with friends, and have tried to indulge myself creatively. There have been many excursions with the ever-wonderful artnoveauho, who kindly continues to allow herself to be dragged around town while I attempt to acquire necessary bits for my various photoshoots. However, during these trips I've also had the absolute pleasure of seeing her prepare for her production of DIE ZAUBERFLÖTE, which is just going to be absolutely amazing. It's my favourite opera and it's being directed by one of my favourite people, so I'll obviously be there - for anyone who wants to partake of some of the magic all the details are on her lj.

I've also managed to spend a lot of time with my dear friend Kieran ahead of his departure for Canada to do his PhD. He's been teaching me the basics of Japanese cooking, and showing me the best places to go for...authentic produce. I will miss him terribly, but have no doubt that I will see him often enough. It's always so heartbreaking when a good friend moves to another country, but as an immigrant myself I have learnt about keeping my friends close to me no matter how far away they are.

I've also been trying to learn more about photoshop. I've always wanted to learn how to use the bloody thing, but have always known that the best way to get to grips with it is to take the time to sit down and experiment. It's hard finding the time, and it's hard to not get disheartened when your primitive attempts at editing don't match what you have in your mind, but I'm so glad that I've been trying because I've learnt so much. Some time ago (when it much much warmer and therefore okay to be drenched in water) gothindulgence and I took some pictures for me to fiddle with. The idea was to make them look a little like an old Victorian photograph or postcard, with sepia tones and those strange colour tints which they loved to use. It's only in the last couple of days that I've actually had the time to sit down and play with them, and while I'm perfectly aware that they look nothing like a Victorian postcard, I nonetheless do think that they manage to capture the Victorian aesthetic. We all start somewhere, and I know that I have enough supportive friends out there that I'm not afraid to post my first fledgling attempts at editing (just be gentle with me - I'll get better!) The inspiration was an old Victorian mermaid postcard which I had as a child, but which remains with my family back home. I loved that old tattered postcard, and I see these pictures as a way of recreating that it again for myself, and bringing a piece of childhood back to my heart.

Her eyes, two pools of clearest water,
Mirroring that world within;
Reflecting summers warmth with grace,
If eyes could talk her eyes would sing.

The ballad might tell of hidden dangers,
Troubled waters unperceived,
Exotic threats beneath the surface,
Sharp stones and entangling weeds.

And yet

Should every danger be contrived
To lurk down there amongst the Deeps
Still would I gaze into her haunting eyes,
Where Medusa’s spirit never sleeps.


R. S. Williams, Siren




Photography by gothindulgence
Everything else by me

( Siren Song )

This has been a bad year for me, and sometimes it's easy to forget that there have been some wonderful things which have happened too. The best thing was meeting Tanith Lee earlier this year. I didn't think that anything could equal it, but it seems that I was mistaken - last night I met Siouxsie.

My dear friend Daniel has been touring with Siouxsie for the last few months, and as a special surprise he arranged for me to be on the guest list for their wrap-up gig at KOKO last night. It was a very important show because it was being filmed for the tour DVD - lots of cameras, bigger costumes, longer set etc. It was a pleasure to see, especially because it was a more intimate gig (it's the smallest venue I've ever seen her in.) The most wonderful thing, however, was that because I was a VIP I got to go to the aftershow party and meet the band, which was just incredible because I've always loved Siouxsie. Everyone was really friendly, and Siouxsie herself was just lovely (and even more gorgeous up close.) We talked about our mutual love of cats, which was really relaxing because it's sometimes hard to know what to say in these situations. All in all, it was just the most unbelievable experience. I wasn't able to drink anything because I had to have some blood tests done this morning (my arm hurts like a bitch), but I'm almost glad because alcohol would have made it even more of a shock to my system. The most surreal part of the evening was when Boy George brushed past me, and as I turned around I realised that Gary Numan was standing behind me. It's just all too much - I still can't believe it really happened.

And that hasn't been the only bit of good news. On the weekend I got an email to tell me that I've been chosen as the 'Gothic Babe of the Week'. On the subject of visual pleasure, it occurs to me that it's been a little while since my last picture post. There's a lot which I've been meaning to put up, but I just haven't had the chance. There's also been a lot of colour on this journal of late, so I think perhaps it's time for something a little darker. Back in July I did a shoot at Newstead Abbey with the wonderful photographer Admirion. I have always loved Byron's poetry, and I have always wanted to do a shoot at his ancestral home, so we really made a day of it and did two sets - one in infrared and one in colour. I've already posted the infrared shots, but I've not yet posted the colour ones, and I think it's about time. I think a little poetry would suit this day very well indeed, so here's one you already know.

I bet you all saw this one coming...

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

George Gordon, Lord Byron
She Walks in Beauty...




Photography: Admirion
Location: Newstead Abbey
MUA etc.: Me


( Elegy )