Timeless · Visions

Tomorrow I have an important test. I can’t speak of it until it’s over because I don’t want to jinx it, but I will say that I am feeling quite overwhelmed at the moment (I’ve been at it for hours!) So this post is very much an excuse for a brief study break, though admittedly a post on Whitby is also long overdue too…

Well, it was my 17th WGW, which is a lot less than many of my friends, but I like to think that it’s still quite hardcore ;) I really feel all those years though – mostly in my familiarity with the town and the people, but also in my laid-back attitude to it all. When I first started going I used to push to do as much as I could, but now I find myself to be very relaxed about everything. Yes, you heard that right - I have become old and boring ;) Yet despite a lack of rushing I nonetheless had one of the best WGWs I’ve ever had, and I absolutely attribute it to my ‘settled’ state. There were excellent bands, outfits and food/drink, but the highlight for me was getting drunk with some close friends up in the abbey in the small hours of the morning. It just goes to prove that it really doesn’t take a big dress or even good music to make a Whitby special – just the company of some truly wonderful people (and maybe a little brandy ;)

At this point you would probably expect pictures of said Whitby shenanigans, but unfortunately I don’t have a working camera at the moment so in lieu I’m posting a few more images from my trip up to Yorkshire a few weeks ago. The photographer lives just a short drive away from the elf’s parents’ house, but I didn’t know this until I was already up – we started communicating quite randomly and somehow managed to arrange a shoot within a few hours. So it was all very sudden and, unusually for me, I didn’t have a specific theme or story to shoot. However, considering how close we were to each other it would have been a shame not to do something, so we came up with a quick plan. He very much wanted to get some beauty shots (why don't they just call them close-ups?), and while the idea always frightens me I agreed on condition that I could get some shots for some of the beautiful clothing that wyte_phantom has very kindly made for me. I’m posting a couple from both ‘his set’ and ‘mine’ because they make for an interesting combination, though of course I remain dubious about extreme close-ups… it’s just damn alarming having a camera that close to your face!

Photography: John McIntire
Location: Barnsley
Both the black brocade corset with red lace applique, and the red and black rose-detail skirt, by the ever wonderful (and far too generous) wyte_phantom
( Roses and Lace )

This is just a quick post really - a case of knocking down two cans with one stone (I'm not a fan of the bird version of that adage...) Firstly, I wanted to post a quick poll to see who's going to Whitby this Halloween. I've been a little out of the lj loop over the last couple of months and just have no idea who'll be there... but I think it would be nice to know who I'll be drunkenly bumping into ;) I'll be there from Wednesday to Monday, and while exact plans are still a little hazy at the moment I think I can safely say that I'll be spending a fair bit of time in the Elsi...


Poll #1476874 Whitby
This poll is closed.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 36

Are you going to Whitby?

And speaking of wonderful places by the sea, I also wanted to post the final few pictures from my Calypso shoot (along with some more beautiful words selected from the huge amount of poetry and song available on the theme.) I know it's just a handful, but I feel that the set is incomplete without them because they show a different, yet very important, aspect of the story. Calypso is confined to the island of Ogygia but it is her home as well as her prison, and it is much more than just a backdrop to the story. I wanted to capture its essense in my pictures, but it's not exactly easy re-creating something both magical and mythical. However, I've always felt that infrared photography captures the beauty of nature in a way that nothing else can, and thankfully it did manage to bring that otherworldly qaulity to the scene. But then when you're standing in such a magnificent location it isn't very hard to believe that magical places really do exist.


I tell of nights
Where I could taste the salt on his skin
Salt of the waves
And of tears
And though he pulled away
I kept him here for years
I let him go

Suzanne Vega, Calypso

Photography: Paul Webster
Location: Peak District
( My song in the wind… )

It seems to have been some time since I last updated this journal, which I suppose I can only put down to being very busy. Most of it is probably not interesting enough to put down here though, so instead I'll just concentrate on the time that I recently spent up North, mostly visiting the elf's family in West Yorkshire, but also managing to spend some time with friends in Manchester. I've been up many times before of course, but on this occasion I actually spent time getting to know the beautiful landscape, mostly through some very long (and very wet) walks. Water certainly was the theme of the trip, for I also put a few days aside to work with some wonderful local photographers and the main shoot (which was actually two shoots for the same theme) was very wet indeed.

It is this shoot that I want to write about - I've done some difficult stuff in my time, but absolutely nothing could compare to how brutal this one was. I am, of course, referring to my first underwater shoot. It took weeks of research and preparation, and I knew it would be tough, but nothing could prepare me. That said, I did want to do it very much so I only have myself to blame. It was an important theme for me - my very favourite sea nymph - and I was willing to go out on a limb (or into the deep) because her story is one which I feel very passionately about. There is a line in my favourite Calypso poem (referenced below) where she describes love - more specifically her tragic relationship with Odysseus - as 'one drop in the water of my solitude'. When I do these shoots I literally re-enact the stories in my mind and for a time I am the character - I knew that I could not achieve this unless I embraced Calypso within her element because that it how she defines her world.

And so I spent two hours floating in a pool, going up and down. Trying to keep my eyes open through the burning chlorine, and to not contort my face, and to find a way to move when my limbs were caught up in swirling fabric. I am a strong swimmer and I do love water, but let's just say that it's not easy to look elegant and calm while being unable to breath. At the end of the two hours I was exhausted in a way I had not known was possible, but at the same time I was very proud of myself for actually going so far outside of my comfort zone. After many years of modelling I find such a challenge to be deeply rewarding - the pictures may be strange (well, people just do look strange underwater because we don't exactly belong there), but knowing how difficult they were to do makes them pretty damn impressive in my eyes.

The second set was done the very next day at a beautiful waterfall in the Peak District, which was reached after scrambling for nearly an hour through the underbrush and up a stream (yes, I am a masochist.) I could not describe how breathtaking the landscape around the waterfall was, or how it felt to be in a place that feels forgotten by time and civilization, but I will say that it made a perfect location for the magical caves on the island of Ogygia where Calypso was confined. We also did an Infrared set (did I mention I like to challenge myself?) but that's for another time. For now, some pictures of me drowning will hopefully make up for the weeks of not posting though...

I will have no more gifts from the gods, thank
you, after this one is taken from me.
Mine, but not mine. Then, only briefly mine;
poisoned and poisonous, like every gift
from the gods. Look, Calypso: here is love!

Eleanor Brown, Calypso (excerpt)

Photography: Paul Webster
Location: Peak District



( Above... )



( ...and Below )

There are some things that you can only do in Summer, like swimming around in ponds pretending to be a nymph. It's something I've been doing for several years now, and with so many myths involving nymphs yet to do I doubt I'll be stopping any time soon. However, this particular Summer is winding down quickly, and the cold kiss in the evening air is reminding me to celebrate what little is left of the season while I still can.

This particular set references the story of Arethusa, which in turn is one of the many transformation myths which continues to be both compelling and deeply troubling for me. I could write whole essays on the subject, but with work looming on the horizon I have to get myself to bed, so everyone is spared a long explanation for now ;) However, of all the metamorphoses I find this story to be the most ambiguous. Before I shot this I thought I knew the story, for it is the same story that appears in the myth of Daphne, Syrinx and so many others. Yet now, having done the research for it, I find myself unsure that I'll ever really know the story at all. I don't mean that in an 'eye of the beholder sense'. I learn something with every shoot I do, and the lesson of these pictures is that I have to get used to the fact that not every story can be 'solved' for me, and that I should trust instead that the pictures will speak for themselves. They always do, after all, take on a life of their own. Just like myths.

That said, there is one aspect of this shoot that is going to haunt me if I don't get the answer. What the hell are these awesome giant leaves called?

Photography: James Reynard
Location: Some awesome large leaves which I don't know the name of
( Lost to the river )

A proper picture post is really long overdue, and having recently attended the wonderful Waterhouse exhibition at the Royal Academy of Arts I think that I should post a Pre-Raphaelite set in honour of it. While I have done a lot of modelling over the last few years, I have always primarily dedicated myself to bringing my favourite stories to life in the visual tradition of the Pre-Raphaelites, so I have a few pictures lying around which might just fit the bill ;) The ones that I want to post, however, are quite special to me because they were a long time coming (it's not exactly easy to find knights in shining armour in this day and age!) However, the wait was well worth it because, once found, the knight was truly wonderful to work with, and the pictures are everything I could want them to be due to the amazing efforts of the immensely talented photographer. The aim was to revise 'La Belle Dame Sans Merci', for I tried the theme once before and it just wasn't right without a knight so I needed to do it again. However, since you never know when you'll have a knight at your disposal, I just had to do a set for Tristan and Isolde too. The images below the cut are larger than usual because they just really look lovely in a larger size... I'd apologise, but it's my journal so I guess I can get away with it :)


Oh what can ail thee, knight-at-arms,
Alone and palely loitering?
The sedge has withered from the lake,
And no birds sing.

Oh what can ail thee, knight-at-arms,
So haggard and so woe-begone?
The squirrel's granary is full,
And the harvest's done.

I see a lily on thy brow,
With anguish moist and fever-dew,
And on thy cheeks a fading rose
Fast withereth too.

I met a lady in the meads,
Full beautiful - a faery's child,
Her hair was long, her foot was light,
And her eyes were wild.





Photography: Minimanic
Location: Winchester
Other model/awesome knight: Sam
With special thanks to rosenkavalier for finding me my knight and my location, as well as helping out on the shoot and putting up with me for the whole weekend, and also to artnoveauho for helping me to (hopefully) look the part.
( The latest dream I ever dreamt... )

I've been quiet of late - busy with my best friend, who has sadly now departed London. We spent two wonderful weeks together doing everything from teasing each other about our age, to going to the zoo. To say goodbye to him, knowing I might not see him again for several years, was just... well, let's just say I handled it pretty badly as far as tears and sobbing and stains on jackets go. But he had his timing right - he left just in time for me to celebrate my four year anniversary to the elf, and therefore ensured that I could not dwell too long in sadness. It was his final gift to me (along with lots of obscure South African alcohol and food), for he knew that despite the tears that I would have to smile soon afterwards - some days are just too good not to smile on, and a celebration of four years with a very good man is one of them. It doesn't seem like it's been four years - in fact it doesn't seem as if it's been even half that time - and I think that's a very good sign. And I want to thank everyone who has been a part of my journey with the elf - we celebrate our anniversary not only between ourselves, but also with all our dear friends who have been there through it all. To that end, I post a small picture taken a few weeks ago by just such a friend. Isn't it amazing how quickly time passes?



With thanks to denaylia

So yes, it's been an emotional couple of weeks. But that's just the story of my life really, and I now find myself very behind with everything. It will take time to get up to date with picture posting, emails, socialising - and everything else too unfortunately. For now I'll post a small handful of images I did for the characters of Daphne and Morgan Le Fay, but I will soon make a much bigger post. As for the socialising, I hope to see some of you at Inferno this weekend - I feel like I have a lot to catch up on and I most definitely need lots of good company (and maybe lots of drinks too.)

Last but not least, I must also thank everyone who met Paul and showed him just how friendly the London scene is. He was invited to many parties and clubs, and shared many jokes and laughs in his time here. He was delighted with all he saw and did, and as his best friend it means a lot to me that everyone gave him such a warm welcome. Thank you all so very much.

Photography: Admirion
Location: Somewhere rocky in Derbyshire
( Time passes, but some things never fade away )

I've been worse than usual with keeping up to date. Work, and family-related stress, seems to be eating more time than I have. But I try to get out and have a life... occasionally. Well, I certainly hope to do some serious partying soon anyway, for my best friend from South Africa is arriving in just a little over a week and I will need to show him a good time. If anyone has any suggestions of good gigs or events happening in the last couple of weeks of July I'd love to hear them!

Despite everything I did manage to have a lovely weekend though. I got to see lots of people at Inferno on Friday (and I'm very sorry to those who I didn't get to say goodbye to - I left when a Sisters' song was playing so all you old-school Goths were obviously on the floor ;p ) More importantly, on Saturday night I went to the much anticipated Fairytale Masquerade Ball, which was opened with a lecture by one of my academic idols - Professor Marina Warner. There was too much awesome on the night to put down on this tiny little journal, but I have a picture which sums up a little bit of the fun. I don't really need another prince, but sometimes you just can't resist trying.

This is usually the point where I whip out some fairy tale pictures, but I like to bring some variety to my posting so this time I’m stepping back to Gothic literature for a second to show a set I did a few months ago – the petulant and passionate Fuchsia Groan from Mervyn Peake’s 'Titus Groan' and 'Gormenghast'. I’ve always had an affinity with Fuchsia, but not because of her long, wild black hair, sullen mouth or smouldering eyes – or even her flaming red dress. Fuchsia is the epitome of the hopeless dreamer and romantic who escapes a life that she finds unfulfilling by burying herself in fantasy tales, but even this isn’t the reason I love her. I've always been drawn to her because despite her tempestuous and often childish nature, she is a free spirit who is slowly broken by disappointment and disillusionment, and I think that most people can empathise with that. Her increasing reliance on fantasy eventually leads to a tragic and entirely ridiculous death, and in this the character is so very real because life is a mixture of beauty and the absurd. It is important to remember that the 'fairytale life' is essentially unattainable, and that is why I love Fuchsia Groan. Her reliance on fantasy, and the damage that it does, is something I see in so many people - not least of all myself.

So I leave with a quote - not from the book as one might expect, but rather from Robert Smith, who wrote the Cure song ‘The Drowning Man’ about Fuchsia. For those who want to be reminded of the beautiful lyrics to the song, they can be found here on my website.

"Fuchsia was my dream. This idea of the infinite, of the unreal, of the innocence dying." — Robert Smith 2003

Photography: James Reynard
( Shades of Fuchsia )

This would be a longer post if I felt more up to it, but I’m afraid that I had far too much of the excellent champagne which was flowing rather freely at nisaba and willmate’s wedding last night. There are few celebrations that require more, well, celebration than a wedding, especially when the two people in question are so thoroughly wonderful and deserving of happiness. Marriage is not for everyone – I certainly doubt that it is something that I could ever want for myself - but for the right people it is a day of profound joy and it is a blessing for any friend to witness it. My camera was being rubbish and no doubt there will be many pictures being posted around which are far better than any I could take anyway, but I’ll post my favourite here nonetheless because it really shows just how delightfully happy it was for all.

As everyone knows, I tend to celebrate things with pictures, and to mark this most wonderful story I’m going to post some fairy tale efforts of my own. Also, since I’m unlikely to ever get married, I have to find other ways to wear the ‘big dress’, and I guess photoshoots are the one way that this particular Cinderella gets to be a princess for the day ;)

Seriously though, Peta and Will’s relationship has been a fairytale romance from the start and the wedding was no different, just as I’m sure their future life together will be no different. It has been my honour, and my pleasure, to know and love them both over the years. So once again I congratulate the happy couple - may you live happily for the rest of your days, and may we all be there to see you go from strength to strength.

Photography: Cinderella in rags - Admirion
Cinderella in finery - Phil Bourne




( Her godmother then touched her with her wand, and, at the same instant, her clothes turned into cloth of gold and silver, all beset with jewels )

It occurs to me that I rarely write anything on my day-to-day life in this journal and that's a real shame because my life is usually pretty good, and even more usually involves wonderful people who should share in the joy of having embarrassing pictures of themselves posted ;) This past week has been one of much celebration and therefore really deserves a bit of a mention, but since it would take a lot of words to describe it I think it would be best if I give my 'update' in picture form. So for those who were involved in all the fun, here are some highlights from nisaba's hen night, sinbadsilk's birthday party, and drinks at the Big Red pre Inferno.


( My week in pictures )
As those who were there will testify, it was a pretty wild week. I'm usually the first to complain that I'm getting far too old to stay up as late as I do, or to go out clubbing quite so much, but despite my protestations I really do love the life I lead and the people who I share my time with. I've always had the freedom to wear what I want, go out with who I want, and be wherever I want to be, and I'm extremely grateful for this because I know that some people don't have it nearly as easy. The person I most owe it all to is, of course, my mother. As most people know, she died when I was 17 years old, but throughout the years before that she wholeheartedly supported my lifestyle choices and I really owe much of life now to the help she gave me. One of my favourite examples of this is when, after seeing the film 'Beetlejuice' for the first time when I was 15, I fell so in love with the red wedding dress that Lydia wears in the penultimate scenes that she secretly made one for me. I think that many a mother would be unimpressed with the idea of their 15 year old daughter going anywhere in a red wedding dress, nevermind to a Goth club in the seediest part of the city. But she loved everything about the scene and always let me be myself. The dress still fits me after all these years, and for a long time I've wanted to do some pictures to celebrate those early influences that set me upon the path, so to speak - not the least of which was my mother. I usually reflect literature or art in my work, so I think that for one I can do a film post. So here's to all the women, both fictional and real, who have been heroines for me throughout my life. And I hope you all appreciate these pictures because it was a very difficult shoot to do - there was another model with me who kept hogging the camera ;)







Photography: James Reynard
( Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse! )

This was just going to be a simple post wishing a safe and pleasant journey to my friends who are going to WGT, but I think it might end up being a little more. I don't usually give much personal context to my photographic work, but perhaps it's important to do so every now and then, for events in life heavily influence artistic work and maybe the pictures will mean more when the reasons behind them become clear.

Over the last couple of years many friends I thought were long lost have been found through various social networking sites, and strange as it may sound this has made a real difference to my life. This is no surprise, for my early years sit strangely in my memory - they are close enough to touch, but seem always to be just slightly out of focus. And they haunt me - not because they're traumatic, but because my way of perceiving the world now has changed more than my ability to reconcile it with the way it was in the past. However, in speaking to these friends, I have found some measure of contentment. Each story has been like a little jigsaw piece falling into place in the puzzle of my childhood, and slowly the ghostly realm of feelings and fragmented thoughts which has shaped everything I am, but which nonetheless remains so elusive to me, becomes ever so slightly clearer. At the same time, I am also haunted by events of my adult life - people I've loved and lost, and choices I wish I had never made. Sometimes life seems more full of regret than possibility, and I think that perhaps I had begun to feel like my life was being defined by my past, rather than by the potential for my future.

This was very much on my mind when I made my usual Easter trip up North. I knew that in order for me to get to grips with my own ghosts I had to find a way to express them creatively first, and that meant that I needed to finally shoot Catherine Earnshaw. She had been waiting for a long time, but I always wait until the time and place is right. So while I would usually shoot at the sea, this time I ended up on the moors, for these pictures could be done nowhere else. The characters of Cathy and Heathcliff are taken from the very landscape itself - its wild untamed beauty, and its relentless hardness. I wanted the two sets to represent Cathy's life and death respectively, with the first being her searching the moors for Heathcliff after he leaves her, and the second being her journey through death back to Wuthering Heights to claim his soul. It was an emotional theme to do, but walking in that magical landscape and carrying the words with me in my mind allowed me to tell the story in the way I had first envisioned it when I was a child. And I like to think that the restless spirit of that bleak and beautiful landscape heard me, for various things have fallen into place in my personal life since that trip that have made me realise that I have the choice to lay some of my ghosts to rest, and with them the character of Cathy - who I feel I have finally been able to do justice to.

I am also honoured to have just found out that one of the pictures from this set is the cover of the photographer's gorgeous new book, 'Inamorata'. Several other pictures I've done with him are also included, which is really lovely. It may not seem like much but it means a great deal to me, for while I have been in magazines and fashion catalogues, and all the many other bits that models do, it simply isn't why I started doing this. My love of literature and art drives me, and it is therefore the height of success for me to be part of a book on art. The measure of success is, after all, a highly individual thing. This is it for me, so I guess that today I have a great deal to be content about, and very little except happiness to haunt me in my dreams tonight.

( Some of the pictures inside the book, for anyone interested )


"We've braved its ghosts often together, and dared each other to stand among the graves and ask them to come. But, Heathcliff, if I dare you now, will you venture? If you do, I'll keep you. I'll not lie there by myself: they may bury me twelve feet deep, and throw the church down over me, but I won't rest till you are with me. I never will!"

Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights




Photography: Admirion
( Wuthering Heights )

It's been a very long time since I last posted, but with preparing for Whitby, going to Whitby, and recuperating from Whitby, a lot of time seems to have passed. I could write a full report on WGW, but it really just boils down to lots of Goths getting very dressed up and very drunk by the seaside in what had to be the most glorious sunshine I've ever experienced 'up North'. The most important news to come out of it was obviously the engagement (finally!) of davefish and keris - congratulations to you both again. It was a wonderful break, but there were some notable things missing from it - most importantly wyte_phantom, who was at a European Martial Arts weekend instead. This meant that I couldn't thank her in person for the beautiful new outfit she made me. While I am always very grateful for everything she makes me, this ensemble means even more to me because Jen made it while she was meant to be resting a broken collar bone! After chiding her for her inability to relax and do nothing, I did of course immediately proceed to get some pictures done for her before going to Whitby. I'm very behind in my picture posting, but since the corset in question is actually the first of two 'seasonal' corsets, and since we're still enjoying some rather lovely weather, it seems fitting to start catching up with my posting with this set because the pictures have managed to capture the vivid and romantic beauty of Spring. Hopefully all this wonderful weather will stick around, and eventually blossom into a scorching summer. Having already attended my first picnic of the year thanks to naturalbornkaos, I'm really rather hoping that I get to throw a summer celebration of my own soon.

Lo! Spring, array'd in primrose-colour'd robe,
Fresh beauties sheds on each enliven'd scene,
With show'rs and sunshine cheers the smiling globe,
And mantles hill and vale in glowing green.

Joseph Warton, Ode to a Lady on the Spring (Excerpt)

Photography: Phil Bourne
Black & Silver Chinese Cherry Blossom Silk Brocade Corset with matching skirt and black lace gauntlets all by wyte_phantom
( Blossoming )

It's hard to believe it's already April, but it's harder still to believe that it's already Easter. It's always been one of my favourite holidays - my childhood was always filled with massive egg hunts and feasts - so I very much wanted to do some pictures to celebrate it. Now I'm hardly the type to do a religious re-enactment, so I decided to stick to my beloved fairy tales and do the wicked witch from Hansel and Gretel. It is the perfect story for it - at a time where we all eat as much chocolate as possible, it seems only fitting to indulge in a tale of how candy is used to lure people to horrific death. Additionally, I've been working with a young designer whose name fits the bill rather well, and she just gave me some lovely things made from fabric with a 'candy stripe' pattern on it, so I guess we'll just have to put this one down to fate. So I leave you all with some tasty pictures, but more importantly I leave you with my sincerest hope that you'll all have a wonderful Easter break. As we fall once again under the sweet spell of this most delicious of holidays, let me be the first to wish you an endless amount of eggs and bunnies, along with every other temptation that you should know better than to indulge in ;)

Happy Easter everyone!



( Oh, you dear children, who has brought you here? Do come in, and stay with me. No harm shall befall you... )

I've honestly not been on lj for weeks, and many important changes in my life mean that I am currently unable to be online much, but today is a special day and I had to make an exception. Today was the one year anniversary of my father's death. And, in that special breed of irony that the universe seems to reserve for me, it was also the day I graduated. I would be lying if I said that it wasn't difficult to go through it without him there - it hurt to see the many proud parents taking pictures of their children (though I admit it was sometimes amusing too - especially in the case of the mother who, armed with a camcorder, was focusing so intently on recording every step her son took that she followed him into the gent's toilets without noticing.)

It is a sadness mixed with pride though, for this MA was difficult to get precisely due to my father's death, and the fact that I managed to make it through means a lot because I know that's what he would have wanted. So in the spirit of the happiness such days bring, I share with you all a picture of me in my extremely unflattering robes. Try not to all die from laughter immediately...

I won't leave you with just that though - it wouldn't be fair to traumatise you all without also providing something to bring a little glamour back to this journal. Moving away from mortar boards and onto far better looking hats, these pictures were taken at Madame Zingara's before it closed. Everyone dreams of running away with the circus, and I will always be truly grateful that I had an opportunity to do exactly that, even though it was only for a brief period of time. I reckon that pictures of me suspended in mid-air on the trapeze are just about as silly as pictures of me in academic robes, so consider this a two for one special. I hope that I can raise a smile on everyone's face today, for while life may often be cruel it's also often full of wonder, and at the end of the day there are many reasons to celebrate.

Photography: Polstar Photography
( Nights at the Circus )

This is really just a quick post to thank everyone for the lovely birthday wishes, cards, gifts etc. You all made the day very special for me, and I can say with all honesty that I have never felt so loved (or so spoilt!) Thank you also to everyone who came to my extremely surreal birthday celebrations. I never expected it all to go so David Lynch on me, but in retrospect drunken punk dwarves coming out of big white boxes is just always going to be funny as hell. It was a strange and fabulous night – which I doubt will ever be equalled or topped – and I’m very grateful to all who shared it with me. I wanted a fairy tale birthday, and I realise now that I got exactly that – and all the magic and strangeness that goes with it. There is always a dark and a light side to everything, and my birthday was no different. Nor will any other birthday be different. Getting older will always be a little frightening, but with such friends by my side I know that every birthday will be wonderful nonetheless.


'Thereupon she went into a quite secret, lonely room, where no one ever came, and there she made a very poisonous apple. Outside it looked pretty, white with a red cheek, so that everyone who saw it longed for it, but whoever ate a piece of it must surely die.'

Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm, Little Snow White



Photography: Like a Dream
( Poisonous Pleasure )

Isn't it amazing how often birthdays happen? I can remember my last birthday so clearly that it really does feel like it happened yesterday, yet at the same time so much has happened in the last year that it seems a lifetime away. The girl I was then is certainly very different from the girl I am now, and it does sometimes amaze me just how much my life has changed. We all go through this once a year though, so I'm not going to contemplate the burden of bearing a bigger number. Aging is really just another way of saying that we're living and experiencing new things, so instead of complaining about what it feels like to be older I'm just going to take a moment to celebrate how awesome it can be. I often use pictures in place of words, and this entry is going to be no different because there are some experiences which words just cannot describe. Many bad things have happened since my last birthday, but there were some good things too and as I've said before the highlight of these was undoubtedly meeting my idol Tanith Lee and her husband John Kaiine. I was so happy to spend a little time with them that I didn't think it could get any better, so it was a surprise - and an honour beyond measure - when John asked me to work with him on several images based around mythological themes. I was already a huge fan of John's art before I met him - he is an incredibly gifted artist as well as a phenomenal writer, and his work has graced the cover of many a book I've read. In all the time I have modelled I have never worked with an artist of such renown, so these images really are a culmination of everything I ever hoped to achieve. I am posting them today because birthdays are a special day, and they should be filled with special things. This is the most wonderful thing I did in the last year, and I'm remembering it on this day in the hope that there will be many more such experiences by the time the next birthday rolls around.




'Nyx'

Artist: John Kaiine
( A Legendary Tale )

In South Africa, my birthday falls in late summer. Beautiful sun-drenched days where the shadows are long and the light has the strange shifting quality of a half-remembered dream. Here, however, it falls in the coldest month of the year. And it always snows.

Initially this really irritated me, for as you all know I've always hated snow. Well, I don’t exactly hate snow itself, but I do hate the chaos it causes in the city. Pretty scenery just doesn’t make up for transport misery, or falling all over the place on the evil ice that compacted snow becomes, or - most importantly - disruptions to my birthday plans! However, I am proud to say that my feelings on the matter have now somewhat changed. For the last two days we've had the heaviest snowfall in nearly twenty years and I have not only breezed through it without injury or inconvenience, but I have actually rather liked it. Yes, you heard that right. I would have posted yesterday, but I’ve actually been having too much fun with the snow, and it's just...unprecedented. Equally unexpected is the fact that I have not slipped even once - not once! I admit that this new-found 'snow can be fun' feeling might have something to do with a certain Canadian best friend who loves all things cold and who forced me out of the house for a snowball fight, or it might even have something to do with my rather unsuccessful attempts at crafting a snow gothman, but whatever it is I am grateful because the last couple of days have been lovely, and I think I might be getting used to the fact that if it does snow on my birthday the world might not completely end. That is, of course, provided you're all willing to come see me even if it does mean travelling through the snow and ice (and maybe even dragons) to get to me. Come on, you know I'm worth it ;)

In equally excellent news, my best friend in South Africa has just confirmed that he’s coming over to stay with me in July, so I’m understandably very excited about this. Paul is like a brother to me, and despite the many miles that separate us we’ve always maintained a close friendship. I really don’t get to see him all that often, and I do love him very deeply, so it means the world to me that we’ll have some time together soon.

And in keeping with the theme of snow, I have some pictures which fit in with it all rather well, if I do say so myself. In a recent post I mentioned that at the end of last year I did a series of shoots where I revisited some themes I'd already covered. There were a number of stories which I felt needed a bit more done with them, and these pictures come from the second of these shoots and focused on two fairy tales which I had done a very long time ago but which just felt incomplete. Sometimes there is a wrong and a right time to do certain things, and I've realised and accepted that this is true for shoots too and that things can work out better the second time round, especially when you apply the lessons learnt from previous experience. There was a right time to revisit these pictures, and with the snow still thick on the ground outside I guess this is the right time to post them.

The flake of snow grew larger and larger; and at last it was like a young lady, dressed in the finest white gauze, made of a million little flakes like stars. She was so beautiful and delicate, but she was of ice, of dazzling, sparkling ice; yet she lived; her eyes gazed fixedly, like two stars; but there was neither quiet nor repose in them.

Hans Christian Andersen, The Snow Queen



Photography: Like a Dream
( Now you will have no more kisses, or else I should kiss you to death! )

Following my last post, things are still going very well. I realise that for the last year I've been hiding away in an attempt to shield myself from pain - grief has a way of seeping into everything until you stop actually 'living'. I know it's a natural process, and that it had to happen, but to my shame I think I've spent more time on the computer over the last few months than I have with actual people. And that is just no way to live a life. I've always felt that the most important part of living is spending time with the people you love, and going out and experiencing new things. Now, at long last, I'm getting back to that. I feel like I'm finally starting to enjoy life again, and I'm absolutely overjoyed that it's still possible for me to be that way.

Catching up on everything I've missed is going to take some time though, but I think I'm off to a good start. I also have a cunning plan to gather most of my friends in one place at one time so that I can make a good stab at catching up with everyone at the same time. I am, of course, referring to my birthday, which is now exactly a month away. It's generally been my habit to organise a restaurant meal, so this post is my first attempt at getting the ball rolling for that. This year my birthday falls on a Friday, but since I'm currently working Tuesday-Saturday evenings the dinner will have to be on a Sunday evening. So Sunday the 22nd of February would be the most sensible date - can you all make that date, or could you please tell me what else is happening then that may cause me to shift it? (it had better be something pretty special though to compete with my dinner ;)

And in the spirit of catching up, I'm finally posting some pictures from the infamous 'Perch Shoot' which gothindulgence organised back at the end of October last year. These shots were taken for the lovely madame_queeny, and owe a lot to the useful advice that rosenkavalier gave me concerning period dress (and an extra special thank you to artnoveauho who helped me shop for the wig.) I worked with different people throughout the day, so this is a good opportunity to present a set of pictures which, although all focused on the same theme, showcase the varying styles of several different photographers.

Photography: Various
Hat by Queen of Hearts



Photo by marchosias444
( Another Place and Time )

So another one bites the dust, and I could not have been happier to see it go. A terrible year came to an end with a heartbreaking Christmas, and despite the efforts of many dear people nothing could console me or fill my emptiness when I woke up on Christmas morning with the realisation that I could not call either of my parents to tell them how much I loved them. On a day which is all about family, being an orphan is a horrible thing to be. So yes, the year is over, but the pain and desolation it has left will never go away. All I can do is reassure myself that nothing can make this year any worse, and therefore it can only be better. Indeed, I readily admit that it is off to a very good start – I’m surrounded by friends, cats and lots of new clothes (not to mention sore feet - damn the January sales.) I am in possession of a shining new MA, and most delightfully a shining new job which is by far the best job I have ever had. I’m sure everyone has seen these flyers and posters popping up everywhere, and know of the fantastic new theatre/restaurant/circus tent which is now camped in front of Battersea Power Station – well, I’m working there as a theatre hostess/character and I’m loving every single second of it. I do many things, but my main duties entail dressing as Marie Antoinette to offer people strawberries and cream, and dressing as a geisha to disrobe the awesome Mongolian contortionist on stage. As jobs go, it just doesn’t actually get much better.

I know that 2008 was a very bad year for most – I think I know perhaps two people who claim that it was good for them, but the general consensus is that it really won’t be missed. It’s too early for me to even begin to hope that what lies ahead will be a brighter path for us all, but the light is looking pretty promising for me right now and I hope with all my heart that it is looking good for you all as well. If I didn’t get to see you on NYE to wish you happiness, then let me do so now – may it be the best one yet for us all.

Along with wishes for a prosperous new year, I believe it is also traditional to reflect upon the past at such a time, and with that in mind I dedicated my last few shoots to the purpose of revisiting themes which I felt I had not done justice to. There have been a couple of stories which I have tried to shoot in the past, but which (due to factors I had no control over) never worked out quite as I felt they should. The first theme I revisited was that of Dracula – I have shot all the main female characters in the story including Mina and the Vampire Brides, but I never quite managed to nail Lucy. She was always going to be the most difficult because I very much wanted to reference the ‘Storm’ sequence in Francis Ford Coppola’s 'Bram Stoker’s Dracula', and it would therefore require a great deal of planning to make it look similar enough to the film to be easily recognisable. So after much preparation I tried to shoot her at Whitby Abbey, only to be screwed over by the winds. It was always my plan to redo her, and finally I have managed. I may not be able to find much closure on a personal level, but at least I can do it with my work.

Photography: Admirion
Everything else by me

( The Summoning )

For me, friendship and dancing often go hand in hand, and this week seems to epitomise that bond. From the good friend who came for enchiladas and (even more cheesy) films all about dancing, to the many friends at Vagabonds last weekend, and at Inferno on Friday, who danced beside me all night long. And thus I come to the point of this little story, for at the end of the night I realised that the next Inferno falls in January, and that the next Vagabonds would be on NYE itself. Until that moment I hadn't actually thought about just how close the end is, and it shocks me to realise that it will really all be over so very soon. It is no secret that I have been looking forward to kissing 2008 goodbye, but as I walked to the nighbus I realised, for the first time, that I actually have more to celebrate than just the beginning of something which will hopefully be better. The last few months have taught me the value of good friends, and - even more importantly - have shown me that I have some of the best friends that anyone could wish for. If there is anything that I should be drinking to as the clock strikes midnight on the 31st, it is that the hard times have not dragged me into darkness, but have instead shown me the light of real love and friendship. So I hope that many of you will be by my side, because I would not have made it through these difficult months without you all. So, cue the inevitable question:

Poll #1311333 NYE
This poll is closed.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 26

Vagabonds on NYE?

The images below could not be better suited to this week, for they are a dedication to three of the dear friends that have helped me through this year. Most of the pictures are for wyte_phantom, who made the beautiful corset, and artnoveauho, who helped me with the lovely green overskirt - though I know that I could never really repay your kindness, these pictures are my way of saying that you are always in my thoughts - thank you so much for always being there for me.

The first picture, however, is for childeric, who always makes me see the silly side of life no matter how serious things get, and who always keeps me company on the dancefloor during songs that no one else would ever dare dance to. You challenged me to do Salome, and I gave you my word that I will do a series of images for it. This is the first, and you will have to be content with it until I figure out how to manage the impossible Moreau!

To all the other amazing people in my life - I hope that you all know how much your love and support has meant to me. It will be to you that I raise my glass on NYE.

Dance for me, Salome, I beseech thee. If thou dancest for me thou mayest ask of me what thou wilt, and I will give it thee. Yes, dance for me, Salome, and whatsoever thou shalt ask of me I will give it thee, even unto the half of my kingdom.

Oscar Wilde, Salome



Photography: Admirion
Location: A lounge
Clothing: wyte_phantom and artnoveauho

( The last veil has fallen, but I'll never stop dancing )

These immortal words of Pablo Picasso hold a special place in my heart. They were written on the wall of one of the painting studios in the National School for the Arts in Johannesburg, where, as a teenager, I received my training. Many were the times when, putting down my brushes and pallet, I would catch sight of them at the corner of my eye, and I have always marveled at their truth. Art, along with literature, has always been the most important thing in my life - it feeds me, and gives me purpose. It makes the world - and my life - more beautiful. It lights the way when the path goes dark.

So I'm going to take a moment to write about art. I believe that everyone reading this is equally passionate about this subject, and will indulge me in this. All who know me understand that the 'modelling' that I do is not just a case of me standing around getting my picture taken. It can sometimes be confusing because a model is most often thought of as someone who helps a photographer facilitate his or her own work, and I do indeed do this if someone needs me and I can help them. However, most of what I do is my own work, and therefore the shoots are collaborations between two artists, not a case of a model working for a photographer. My modelling is an extension of my art, for art is a reflection of the artist themselves, and I realised a long time ago that the next step from painting your ideas and dreams onto canvas is to re-create yourself entirely within the work. Photography allows this more easily than any other medium, and my modelling is therefore my way of showing myself completely in my art - visually, as well as symbolically. The art and literature-based pictures which I post are constructed as carefully and as lovingly as any of my paintings - I plan every aspect of them, down to the smallest detail, and I research the themes for weeks before each shoot. I put as much work into these pictures as I do into my own paintings, and the photographers that work with me are, like me, artists dedicated to the purpose of creating beautiful work which will inspire and entertain others.

The reason I'm writing all this now is because I've just received a picture that I've been waiting a long time for, and it has reminded me of why I started all of this. Over two years ago I had a conversation with a friend of mine who is a wonderful digital artist. I told him about an idea that I had - as a homage to their timeless beauty, I wanted to create personal versions of my three favourite paintings. I told him that I wanted to re-create them in a modern medium (photography) to make them relevant to this day and age, but that I wanted to keep all the qualities that make paintings so beautiful, and he and I set out to do just that. The first two pictures, inspired by von Stuck's Sin and Waterhouse's The Crystal Ball, were done quickly and became the central images around which my website is based. However, just after their completion Jason and his wife Cathy had a baby, and he just didn't have the time to complete the final image, which was to be based on Fuseli's The Nightmare. However, now that their son is a little older, Jason has a little more time and has at last managed to put the final touches on the image - much to my delight!

Below is the final part of the project that started everything, and I am just elated, for I have always felt its lack - it has always been the missing piece that haunts all that I do. Now, for the first time, I feel that I can look back at all that I have accomplished over the last couple of years and truly be proud of what I've done. So much hard work has gone into my pictures and my beloved site, and while I don't think it will ever feel complete, it does now feel whole. So in this post I'm putting all three images together for the first time, along with the original paintings which inspired them, so that they can - at last - be seen together. These paintings have always inspired me, and helped me through many a dark time, and this is my way of acknowledging the profound effect that they have had on my life.

Photography & manipulation by the gifted and wonderful Jason Juta

( The Three Muses )